B!tchBag3: Kelsey

Meet Kelsey.

This vacillant vegan just gave you Stink-eye at the grocery checkout for buying chicken breast and then mouthed the word, "Murderer".

But look again, this B!tches shoes are made of 100% cowhide...

Not anymore though, now she's just a B!tchBag, waiting to be your B!tch.

Kelsey was created from a vintage (early 80's) "Marquis of London" leather jacket. This big girl's got cinches on each side for easy weight loss or gain and 5 inner & 2 outer pockets. So fill her up, she'll haul all your sh*t around.

H's&B's

L

The Things We Do for Kids (Backfire!)

So I think we all agree that having kids make us fat right? 

How else would we be able to grow a full on human in our own body. We have to expand, we have no choice. “I didn’t know I was pregnant “ on TLC tells stories that say different, but face it, that is just freaky sh*t. Those poor women, could you imagine...? Anyway that’s not what I'm getting at here....

I run after my children constantly, pick up toys, laundry, vacuum. You name it, a stay at home mom does it!

So, with all that, I cant figure out why I am not losing my weight. It should be melting off me (ignore that image).

Then it dawned on me twice in one day...

I sit down and I am sharing a little mini serving of my “zero” yogurt with my 1 yr old (don’t worry I checked, no aspartame). I was so proud of my self for not only eating this small portion but sharing it! Then my 6 yr old had a couple bites and I was even more excited.

Portion control, check! 

Then 6yr old wants his own...so I go get it.....then the other one cries and wants his own too.

I then realize in my glory of eating minimal calories maybe I was actually depriving/teasing my poor offspring.

Alright, everyone is happy, they all have there own. I am a good mom and I have my portions under control right?

WRONG! 

My older son decides he doesn’t like it so I take on his ¾ full cup of yogurt and I figure I am still doing pretty good... until the lil guy gives up on his. Now I am screwed. I can't waste it, so what do I do? Like any mom I take on my child’s leftovers. So now I have eaten close to 3 of these portions.

Mission FAIL! 

Well at least I’m aware of this and have learned my lesson...or not....

Later that day.... Rice cracker with peanut butter x 2, nice healthy snack....my son tries one and loves it. He asks for another and of course I jump at the chance to feed my child, because I’m a mom and this is what we do.

I decide I'd better make another for myself as well. So we would each have 2 but by the time I get back to him, he has already given up on the first one I gave him... So you do the math... I now have to consume 3 ½ peanut butter rice crackers! This my friends is why I’m not getting any skinnier!

One more thing I would like to note about children and the relation to weight gain/ beer guzzling.

They make you drink way to fast! They see that nice cold bottle of whatever you have in your hand and they want it! So in turn you have to drink fast to get it out of your hand, just so the lil bugger will stop bugging you... and you know what happens if you drink to fast? You get drunk faster... then you probably drink more and just think off all the calories they have just hurried along into your system!

How do you fix this problem you ask? 

Coffee mugs for all alcoholic beverages! Believe it or not, it does make it taste better!

Oh, and don't even get me started on the birthday parties we attend with all that cake and the goodie bags with too much candy. We couldn't possibly let our kids have all that could we?

Conclusion....... 

Obviously I need to learn portio control and moderation but it is always nice to have someone to blame part of it on right?

Its a good thing my boyz are so damn cute!

♥Alli

Picture it.....Pretty Hair

Donut Holes!

So, I did it! I made donut holes! Yeah, I did. And you know what? They were glorious! I've decided that I'm going to be the new Mrs. Alice Horton (aka Gran) of my world!

Don't you know Gran?

Don't lie to me, I know you know.

Day's of Our Lives people! Gran always had a plate of fresh cooked donuts on her kitchen table, even when she was sick...even when she had oxygen tubes taped to her face... even when she was in the hospital... even when she was possessed by the devil! No wait... that wasn't her...

Anyways, fresh donuts! That's going to be my thing now. Well, the "hole" part that is...

You probably don't realize this, by my life was needing a little more deep-fried gluten. It really was.

Do you want deep-fried gluten too? I'll tell you how to make them. You love my half-assed recipes, don't you?

SuperDuperEasyDonutHoles! 

• 3c. Flour
• 1c Sugar
• 1/4 tsp Salt
• 2 tsp Baking Power
• 1tps Nutmeg (I'm a nutmeg snob, I think it should be freshly ground)
• 1/2tsp Cinnamon
• 1c Milk
• 2 Eggs
• 1tsp Vanilla

Combine the dry, add the wet, mix. Then drop small 1inch-ish sized balls of dough into hot oil. I think the oil temp is supposed to be around 350ish, but since I broke my thermometer, and I can't have a deepfrier (I'd deepfry everything) I've no idea how hot my oil was... sometimes it was too hot, some time too cool. Figure it out, work it out. After that, I dumped all my bits onto a cookie sheet and finished them in a 350 over for 10 minutes (because some of the middles weren't all the way cooked). I probably had to do this because of my oil issues, but whatever.

When they're hot outta the oven, roll them in sugar. And voila! Homemade TimBits!

Just a little love to add to your thighs.

Happy Jiggling!!

H&B's 

Lissy

Town Day

Definition: Long. Tiring. Expensive. And usually ends with a bad Fast Food meal choice, restless kids you have bribed with too much sugar and a lot of garbage in your car.

See, there are pros and cons of living on a little island and having to go to town to shop is way up at the top of the cons list. Its always a last minute decision for me, based on amount of sleep I've had the night before, how many children will join the adventure and double/triple checking if it really must be done at all.

To town it is.... Put on a little extra makeup, make sure (when you are bending over all day chasing after your kid) that your butt crack will remain neatly tucked in your jeans or usually in my case covered by a long sweater. What they cant see wont hurt them right? ;)

Why the extra makeup you ask...? Well its a day out on the town right? Wrong. As an Island Girl, that doesn’t get out much, you must be prepared to run into someone from high school or possibly even an ex boyfriend and it's important to feel good about yourself.

The one mistake I always make as a breastfeeding mom is putting on that impractical long sweater I mentioned earlier. This causes discomfort when trying to wrench out the goods for the whiny lil guy, especially when you're already super sweaty from all that running around. Oh! and don't forget the push up bra to make the girls look a lil perkier for Town Day. Also a bad choice to try and be flipping up at the demand of a small child.

If you all looked up Quadra Island in the Urban Dictionary like I mentioned in my last post, then you would understand why we put a little extra effort in on Town Day. Of course I never run into the friends I want to see and by the time I'm done dragging kids through grocery stores I don’t have energy to visit them. I’m pretty sure I see my “city” friends more often then my “town” friends.

So I my apologies to my  “towny” friends that I miss. I would rather be having tea with you then dragging children around spending too much money, running for ferry’s and going home with what Lissy calls a “Town Hangover”.

♥Alli

Just a Thought.....

Sunday: In 6 Images